HERE COME
THE TOILET BOYS!

       (The following is darrell's review of The Toiletboys' performance at the El Mocambo on October 19,2001. To learn more about the toiletboys, go to www.toiletboys.com.)
        I'm not a big fan of the'new hard rock' scene--bands like Korn, Limp Bizkit, Slipknot, etc, etc, blah blah blah do absolutely mothing for me--but in the past year I've discovered two bands that really blew me away.
        The first band is Speedealer. This quartet of no-nonsense Texans opened up for Motorhead the last time Lemmy The Great played in Toronto, and to say I was 'pleasently surprised' is a colassal understatement. Their live set kicked my ass! I picked up their cd, Here Comes Death, the next day, and it's been on power rotation at Two-Handed Man headquarters ever since. These boys are heavy but melodic, and they can really play. Their sound is so fast and furious, but the arrangements are remarkably tasteful and clever. Highly recommended. Please go to their website, www.speedealerrocks.com
        The second band is the Toiletboys. man oh man. I had heard good things about their live show, and I was not dissapointed.
        Before leaving the show, me and my pal Jeffy-Pop watched the movie They Live, starring WWF legend Rowdy Roddy Piper. Hot Rod discovers an alien conspiracy to subjugate the human race, and of course only he can stop it. Although the pacing was a bit wonk in spots, the premise was cool and once Roddy started blowing away the aliens it was pretty fun. Thumbs up.
        Then we hopped into Jeffy-Pop's car and drove from Hamilton to Toronto. This was the first time I'd been to Toronto in about two months. Between those visits, I wrote about 8 poems (2 or 3 of them I actually liked), listened to Quadrophenia by The Who about a hundred times, and kept putting in my 40 hours a week at my warehouse job. It might not sound like much to show for two months of my life, but I never complain.
         And the transportation situation was definitely better this time around. Last time they oversold the bus to Toronto so I had to stand the whole way! That sucked. And if anyone knows why those health and safety types never make a stink about the fact that there's no seatbelts on buses, drop me a line at darrellepp@hotmail.com and let me know.
         We listened to two cd's an the way there. The first one was the first, self-titled, New York Dolls Album, one of my favourites. really rocking, with a lavish sound and a shitload of amusing bells and whistles courtesy of producer Todd Rundgren, the man who also gets the credit/blame for producing Bat Out Of Hell for Meatloaf, the Big Round Mound Of Sound. The second cd was the first Velvet Underground record, which is close to being my all-time favourite long-player. I'd never listened to it in a car speeding down the Queen Elizabeth Highway before, and I was loving it. By the time we got to the Elmo, I was pumped.
         The El Mocambo is a bit of a legendary venue. in the late 70's when the Rolling Stones were spending a lot of time in Toronto they did a few gigs there to warm up for their big tours. It's pretty small and kind of a dump, actually. the city was shutting it down on Halloween, declaring it a health and safety hazard. Both the Toiletboys and the opening act, The Sinisters, made a point of jumping up and punching holes in the ceiling, causing big chunks of plaster to come crashing down. My kind of place.
         Before we bought our tickets, we took a little walk around. The Elmo's on Spadina, in Toronto's Chinatown, and the sidewalks on both sides of the street were lined with seven-foot-high mounds of garbage, discarded cardboard boxes from the markets, mainly. The entire block smelled like fish. I loved it. We saw a little girl sitting on the sidewalk, quietly asking for spare change. I gave her two bucks, and Jeffy-Pop gave her 15 cents, a nickel and a dime. Anyhow, on with the show.
         I had seen The Sinisters play years ago in Hamilton, and I really liked them, basically because they reminded me so much of The Stooges. The second time around, their Stooges-worship was strong enough to make it hard for them to have a distinctive identity. I mean maybe it's just me, but pretty much every song they played sounded like The Stooges, like they were playing the Stooges songs I Got A Right and Gimmie Some Skin over and over again.. I guess this isn't really criticism--I did love their set and if you had to copy something, you could do worse than copy one of the very best rock bands of all time. they got mer thinking about the incentuous nature of rock and roll--I've always said that if Lou reed, Iggy, Bowie, and Lemmy actually got paid royalties from every band who lifted some little bit of their act, they'd be richer than Bill Gates, and Lemmy could finally afford to have a plastic surgeon do something about those weird warts on his face. Four years ago I worked in a factory where they kept the radio tuned to the local bullshit 'alternative' radio station. the factory's background noise made the music kinda distorted and hard to hear, and at least once a day I'd run over to the radio, mistakenly believing I was hearing them play 'Sweet Jane' on the radio. I'd crank it up and put my ear next to the speker, only to find out that is was actually some neutered song by flavor-of-the-month 'cutting edge' new band that had just structured their hit single around stealing that perfect riff Lou Reed laid down before any of these new whiz kids were born. This same station that's always bragging about how 'cutting edge' their playlist is would of course never play 'Sweet Jane' -- only songs with the same riff made by babyfaces they can put on the cover of Teen People. Grrrr.
         During the break, me and Jeffy-Pop spied the Toiletboys psyching themselves up in the dressing room upstairs. We were so happy--they looked like rock stars! I always thought it such a rip-off when you pay money to a professional entertainer, and he doesn't look like he's having any fun, why doesn't he work his ass off to show you a spectacle you'll be telling you grandkids about? That whole Eddie Vedder pose--Oh I'm so miserable, the rock and roll stardom trip is so bogus and shallow and meaningless, woe is me--is such a fucking scam. If being a rock star is such a chore, why don't you stay in the basement, crying yourself to sleep while listening to your old Smiths records, instead of tring to bring down hard-working good people?!?! Hit the bricks, you candy-ass!!!!!!
         When they headed downstairs, we were right behind them, as excited as little girls seeing The Beatles at Shea Stadium. As the band approached the stage, the house p.a. started blaring out the song 'Star' from David Bowie's The Rise And Fall Of Ziggy Stardust And The Spiders From Mars record, and I knew I was in for a treat.
         The first song they played was the first song on their new cd, 'The Party Starts Now.' Within a few seconds, they had the whole place jumping up and down and going crazy. I was really impressed--it isn't too often that you find a band that can put on a real spectacular entertaining show, and can also really play, but these boys are real pros. Before playing their song 'Another Day In The Life,' Miss Guy, who's a really charismatic frontperson, told us that The Toiletboys had been paid 100 000 US to let the song be featured on the American Pie Part 2 soundtrack. At other points he talked about how post- 9-11 paranoia had caused a good chunk of their pyro to be detained at the border; and bemoaned the passing of the Elmo, adding that back in NYC, The Palladium was being shut down to make room for new NYU dorms, and CBGB's was being shut down and turned into a home for bums. The latter move seemed a bit more appropriate to Guy, since 'It's been a home for bums for the last 25 years anyhow.'
         The lead guitarist is a whole show unto himself. He's about six ft. six, and when he wasn't busy shredding on his guitar he was breathing fire. AND, it looked a lot cooler then it did when I saw Gene Simmons do it. Seriously. Their set-list pretty much consisted of their new record in it's entirety, and 'Deuce' by KISS , winding up with this bit where Miss Guy poured alcohol or whatever it is that fire-eaters use, down Sean's throat; she stepped back and let Sean lean forward right over the crowd and drop a fireball just inches above our heads, warming the place right up. They repeated that bit several times, and it really had this element of danger and excitement to it that KISS's fire-eating routine didn't have. I mean, maybe it was a different story in 1974, but after all the reunion tours and the merchandise, the whole KISS corporation had this inoffensive Walt Disney sheen to it that makes it feel as safe and middle-of-the-road as The Lion King, or something. Sorry, KISS! I still think 'Watchin' You' and 'Deuce' are good songs; can we still be friends?
         After the fire-eating bit, Sean lit his guitar on fire, while still playing the thing. It was pretty mesmerizing to watch, just watching this guy fight the natural urge to remove the guitar strung around his neck BECAUSE IT'S ON FIRE for as long as he could. Then finally, he took it off, threw it to the ground, and The Toiletboysexited the stage. A roadie rushed over and threw a towel over the flaming guitar, and then it was lights out.
         Jeffy-Pop and me started heading back to the car. Our ears couldn't stop ringing, and our faces couldn't stop smiling. I guess there were a lot of stars in the sky above us, but you can't see any stars at all when you're in the city.
         About half-way back to Hamilton, Jeffy-Pop said, "Man! I wish we could go back and see The Toiletboys again tomorrow night!"
         I said, "Brother, I know what you mean."